You know, I’ve had this blog for a long long time now… since Zi was a baby, I believe.  I was at first trying out software for a friend, and then kind of got the bug.  I’ve gone through phases where I’ve shared a LOT of our lives together, and then phases where I felt incredibly censored…

Right now I’ve been thinking a lot about the balance…  at one point I consider this blog a private journal, something for recording and working out my own issues and struggles in life, and at other times, I feel too open, too raw, too “snooped” on to write what is really happening in my world.

Where’s the balance?  The balance between keeping a record of thoughts and feelings, and reaching out to others with what has or has not worked in our family.

When do I share squabbles and woes within myself and my own, and how they were resolved or not resolved?  At what point do I sense that sharing those things will betray a trust?

How do I get past the fact that sharing personal issues is going to invite, in a way, criticism on how we live our lives?  On how we do things?  Criticism that may in fact, come from those we love the most.

We’ve been struggling with church issues lately, with family issues, with personal issues.  I feel censored in my writing, knowing that I will invite judgement by writing about some of these things.

It’s a tricky thing, a blog… it takes on an identity of it’s own.  Every event is tagged with the question, will I blog this?  Or won’t I?  Is this a private incident that needs to be mulled and cherished in the hearts and minds of those involved?  Or is it something that others may learn from, be entertained with?  What is the purpose of my words on the screen?  Do my words in some way, in all ways, Glorify God?

I also find it difficult because some people who read, who have known me for a long time, have a hard time seeing the changes in me as a person.  They don’t see the internal struggle, and they may or may not notice the change in character… the new convictions placed on our hearts then just seem weird.  So I don’t write about them.

Perhaps the issue is with myself, that I’m so afraid of judgement, that I so badly want people to like me, that I censor myself to appeal to the masses.  I’m working on really believing that it doesn’t matter what others think.  I KNOW that it doesn’t matter.  I know that my worth is not measured by what I do.  Feeling and knowing are two very different things.

Living up to everyone else’s expectations of who you are is never going to work.  It’s impossible to be everything to everyone all the time.

I know that first, I am a daughter of the King.  Secondly, I am a wife, and my loyalty will always lie with my husband.  We are one, him and I, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Thirdly, I am a mother.  A woman who cares deeply for her children, who wants the best for them, and who (most of the time) tries to do what is best for them.  Fourth, I am a daughter to my parents, a sibling to my sisters.  I am a friend, an aunt… I am many things.  BUT, through all that, I have to keep my eyes focused on what’s important, on who’s important.  I have to live for Him, and trust that all else will come behind once my focus is in the right place.

So, what is the point of this post?  I have no idea.  I like to write, often I NEED to write, and these things have been milling around in my head for a long time.  There are so many things that I want to write about, but that are kind of taboo subjects.  Family relationships, submission, humility, figuring out where we belong in a community of believers… all the things that I am working hard on.  Will I write about them one day?  Who knows.  In the meantime, I think I need to just wait and see where this blog is going to lead me…

… and I hope that you will join me for the ride.

The other day I was toodling around on the computer, chatting with AmyJ on messenger, and Eph was sitting beside me nattering away.

((((As an aside, do YOU use the word nattering?  I’ve been informed that it’s an unusual word… that some people have never heard it before…  that chattering is more common.  Help me out here, people…))))

My part of the conversation basically consisted of “mmhmm…  really?  You would?  That’s cool!”

His part went a wee bit like this…

“Maybe when I grow up, I could be a toy boat maker!”
“and you guys can come, and I would give you boats for free.”
“if I had my OWN workshop, I could make as many boats as i wanted.”
“say I had wood in there, I could make REAL boats.”
“as many as I wanted.”
“I JUST need a workshop.”
“I could make canoes, and rock boats, and even metal ones!”
“if I only had my own workshop.”
“maybe sometime when it’s spring, we could go to the beach and try the boat out.”
“people would probably be CRAZY with THAT.”

As AmyJ pointed out, he could make as many boats as he wanted, because there would be no boat police to stop him.

I love these little glimpses into how their minds work.  It’s so fascinating what comes out of their mouths when you really listen… listen without interrupting.

And now I’m off to figure out how I can give him his OWN workshop for Christmas…  Ja may have a problem with that one.

I find this strangely encouraging…

So next time “they” ask if we can have it all, they really mean “can you do it all yourself?” And the answer, my friends, is no. Behind any woman that seems to “have it all” is probably another woman doing all the dirty work.

Wow.  I guess all two of my readers here think I've fallen off the face of the earth, hunh?  But, such is not the case.  we have been very very busy… you know, with the busyness… and the feeding, and the pulling apart of siblings, and the changing diapers, and the feeding, and the pulling apart of siblings…  and on and on.  It has, actually, eliminated my past ability to write reasonably grammatically correct sentences.  Sad, I know.

Since I last wrote, we've had Christmas.  We stayed pretty low key this year, and yet it was still a bit overwhelming.  I don't really feel like I was totally there… in an odd way, and yet I did experience it.  I didn't get dressed all day Christmas day, and we all had a nap in the afternoon.

This having three kids thing is tough.  They outnumber us now.  We're playing that, okay, who gets my attention first game, and let me tell you, they're all battling for first place.

It probably takes us a good two hours to get out the door to get anywhere.  Which, of course, means that spur of the moment trips don't happen very well.  There needs to be planning!  And finding of shoes the night before!  And naps!  There should be lots of naps!

So, we are working on the balance thing.  The kids are getting used to having a baby around.  (Even though we had an entire conversation about how God makes girls girls and they stay girls… their penises don't grow in later on.)  (Don't ask.)  We are not getting used to being the parents of three, but in a strange way we adore it.

And now, to conclude a rambling, incoherent post, a cute baby picture.

So.

Those of you who blog know about comment spam.  The little trolls that go around and post multiple comments, making you think you're all popular!!  But no, really they want to en* la rge your… well… you know what I mean.

I dealt with comment spam by making everyone have to sign up for a ((FREE!!)) account to be able to comment on my blog.  Probably the comments have suffered because of that, but at least the spam is gone!

I have noticed a seeming increase in spam with a few of the blogs I read.  Mandajuice in particular.  I was all like, “oh that so sucks.  The spamming.  The closing of the comments.  etc, etc.”

Until I cruised by my own blog this morning (I don't know why I do that.  I just do.)  I was all wow, trackbacks!  I haven't been writing anything too exciting, but trackbacks are totally cool!!  Until I looked at the linkage.  And now it's trackback spam!!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  I had about 60 or so scattered through various posts. 

Now, now, there are no trackbacks on this blog.  There is also no counting of any urls in the Google county thingy.

Hopefully that will do it.  Otherwise I may have to get the pellet gun and some cat poo.